What to do when visiting a newborn baby

These past two months have been by far the most exhausting and stressful in my entire life. Of course, I have to do the cliche disclaimer of “It’s all worth it” – because it really is – but even as I type this, I’m sooooo tired!

Now that Cam’s passing through the newborn stage, I’m sharing my advice for what to do when you visit new parents. I had no idea about how challenging daily life becomes until I had my own baby, and I’m pretty sure I didn’t follow these rules when I would visit other people’s babies. But now I know, because I’ve been in the trenches!

My best advice when visiting a newborn is to BRING FOOD. It could have been McDonald’s, and I would have been thrilled!  I was so, so hungry all the time that first month! Who has time to cook when you’re 24/7 feeding and changing and soothing and burping a baby?! Plus I was trying to breastfeed/pump, so don’t even get me started on how starving that can make a new mom.

Of course, I loved having visitors, and many of them did not bring food, which is totally OK! I’d rather they visit than not.  Looking back, though, I wish I had set expectations. Sometimes I didn’t have food prepared when people would stop over. I didn’t want to eat in front of them since I could not offer them something, so I would be hungry to the point of tears by the time they left.

I started pre-warning visitors that we must keep it to a SHORT VISIT. I had a couple of visits that lasted more than 2 hours, and those nights I didn’t get to make it to sleep until 2 a.m. or later because I was playing catch-up from a messed up schedule. Truth be told, new parents don’t have time to ENTERTAIN visitors – we have a million things to do that are non-stop the first month or two. We want you to visit, but we can’t entertain you, do you understand? So please keep the attitude that it may not be the world’s most fun visit, because we are totally preoccupied. It’s not personal, it’s just “baby business.”

RESIST THE URGE TO CRITICIZE A NEW PARENT’S METHODS. Personally, I really hated hearing unsolicited advice on what I was doing wrong for breastfeeding attempts. Trust me, I was frustrated enough with how difficult it was for me. Also, I was offended (because of being overly sensitive with postpartum hormones) when someone told me I was not feeding my baby frequently enough. Um, he doubled his weight in 2 months, so I’m pretty sure that he was fed plenty!

If a new parent ASKS you for advice, that’s different! Feel free to share your experiences, but don’t criticize.

For visitors who wanted to hold my baby – and I really wanted people to hold him, as I want him socialized well – I appreciated that everyone knew to WASH HANDS FIRST. One visitor had just come off a plane from Europe, and I was so grateful to her that she didn’t even bother to touch baby Cam because she knew exposure to germs was likely much higher.

Some parents prefer NO TOUCHING, and that’s a personal preference. I myself wanted people to touch and hold Cam, but let’s not pass judgment for parents who prefer no touching. And I’m preaching to myself, too, because I remember being bothered when some friends who had new babies didn’t want me to hold their baby. Now I know better!

My friends even wrote and illustrated an entire book, called “Don’t Touch My Baby.” I didn’t understand it back then, but now I do!

I welcomed my visitors to bring their young children. But those CHILDREN HAD TO BE TOLD NOT TO TOUCH THE BABY. That was a direct command from my pediatrician – she warned us that young children naturally want to get in a baby’s face, touch it, etc. She said to instruct the children not to touch the baby, so I followed her advice. Other parents would tell you DON’T BRING KIDS at all, especially if they’re sick.

Because of the prevalence of technology, I appreciated that everyone knew to ASK BEFORE POSTING A PHOTO OF THE BABY ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I personally wanted everyone to post their photos of Cam online, because my baby is social media-friendly, but other parents may be more concerned about privacy. Respect their wishes.

My next advice is to OFFER A SPECIFIC SERVICE, like cleaning something, or loading the dishwasher. I probably would have told you, “No,” when you offered something, but honestly, if you pressed me – I think I would have likely handed you a mop and sat down off my aching feet, LOL!

I also loved it when a visitor would OFFER TO CHANGE A DIAPER. That was a nice break for us! Trust me, new parents change a LOT of diapers, so feel free to come over and change Cam’s poo diapers. 🙂

EXPECT SPIT-UP ON YOUR SHIRT if you hold the baby. You’ve been warned!

CALL OR TEXT RIGHT BEFORE YOU COME, AND DON’T BE UPSET AT A LAST-MINUTE CANCELLATION. Because a baby’s mood can turn on a dime, a calm baby might suddenly morph into a screamer. So although it was decided that you were to visit, don’t be mad if a new parent suddenly cancels on you because the timing gets off. Also, this isn’t just about visiting a newborn, but more about understanding how a new parent’s life has changed – DON’T EXPECT A QUICK TEXT BACK on a daily basis. I used to be so good about keeping in touch with friends, calling and texting to check up on them. Those days are gone.

BE MINDFUL OF THE BABY’S FREQUENT NEED TO FEED, especially in case a new mom is breastfeeding or breast pumping. I have so much respect for the ladies who are comfortable whipping out the girls from their shirt and giving a breastfeeding a go in front of visitors, but I personally wanted privacy when I tried to breast pump. So sometimes I would have to ask people if they minded leaving or if I went upstairs to do my thing – I didn’t mean offense, but again – my baby was hungry on a schedule, and that takes priority.

In summary, it’s really ALL ABOUT THE FOOD. Some neighbors brought hot dishes for dinner, one friend brought me a green smoothie for breakfast, and another friend even ordered for us a meal delivery service for two nights! I was so, so grateful for the food, way more than the toys and clothes that others brought us (although, trust me, I don’t want to sound ungrateful for every thoughtful gift – I truly did appreciate those, too). I think I was just overly hungry from the breastfeeding/pumping and the exhaustion of being up every 2-3 hours at night.

In hindsight if I could go back, I would simply warn every visitor about what the visit must entail. I would also warn them that our house was topsy-turvy, filled with baby items and a bit of a mess – because who has time to clean?!

I hope my experiences help visitors, and new parents, too – so we can all know how to have a better, happier visit for a newborn baby!!

Live and learn, and SHARE what you’ve learned so others will know. That’s why I’m posting this!

What advice do you have for visiting new parents? Comment below!

Click here for another excellent, lighthearted article about rules for visiting a newborn baby.

Thanks for reading!

XO,

~Angela~